In honor of graduating from college, I'm throwing it back to a terrifying writing assignment from the end of high school: the credo. The only purpose of a credo is to answer the question, What do you believe in? Yikes, I'm 18, so... everything and nothing. Does that count? I was a little overwhelmèd.
In any case, here's a snippet of what I wrote about my beliefs in the face of uncertainty back then:
“The past is what you remember, imagine you remember, convince yourself you remember, or pretend you remember”
When Harold Pinter said that, he understood what I was getting at with this principle of uncertainty, and that is probably why I’ve come to love his writing more than anyone else’s. In Pinter’s plays, there is always a weight on everyone’s chest. Everyone has a secret, and everyone is scared or stuck. No one has any idea what is going to happen because anything could happen. And there is no consistent line of truth; no assumptions can be made, because the moment you make one, it is refuted.
Along with Pinter, dance has taught me the value of doubt in everything I know and do. When I am moving, I am utterly certain of what I am doing, and at the same time terrified out of my wits that it is wrong. I don’t know how it works, but I’ve learned that the only way to feel certain that you’ve succeeded is, ironically, to be open to feeling uncertain or horrible about it, over and over again.
I look towards my gap year and have no concrete sense of what will happen. I don’t know what school I’m going to. And I don’t know if I will end up as a crazy dog walker or as that little old lady with purple hair that you always see in the Laundromat. And I don’t really mind that, I don’t think. I can keep moving forward even though the ground is shaky. This year was the hardest to get through. I’m still learning that the uncertainty that I used to think would take me over, that would throw me into some scary oblivion, is actually a wonderful thing. I’m trying to get used to the fact that scrambling up a steep slope might actually be worth it in the end. So now all I have to do is face the real challenge, and try to find the beauty in the struggle.